Category: Funny

“Y’all know I pace when I talk, so let’s get started.” And thus southern charmer Andrew Joseph Duffer begins his viral rant from his “country-bumpkin podunk town in Northeast Texas” – population less than 5,000 – “where hypocrisy, racism and homophobia run rampant.” Posted on his Facebook page on Sunday, the video has over 268,000 views on his page alone and has been shared extensively across social media. “If you’re a Black person and you can act white and dress white – whatever the f*ck that means – you’re considered a “‘White/Black’ person (air quotes included) and you won’t experience racism in its full capacity,” says the tousle-haired Duffer continuing his laps around his hallways. “Don’t misunderstand me, you certainly will experience racism, it just won’t be as bad.” “Gay people, same for you,” he added as the rant ride continues. “If your parents are popular enough, well established enough, and you’ve been seen at the church at least once, then you won’t be destined for the Lake of Fire.” “All these years I thought it was the blood of Christ that brought salvation but in this instance, it was my daddy’s ability to do the townspeople’s tax returns,”  he says as the moment of clarity whizzes by. “Who would have thought? Thus, the hypocrisy – and that’s the toxic waste place that I come from.” “Keep your seatbelts fastened,” he takes another lap, “because we are now reaching the turbulent part of this video and I guaran-damn-tee you some panties are going to get in a wad.” Even though Duffer doesn’t make a habit of discussing the current occupant of the Oval Office with his neighbors, it seems the folks in town have reached out to HIM to express their “love and support” even as they support the Trumpster. But Duffer isn’t interested in their “love and support” if they can’t see the hypocrisy in trying to justify his actions. This is usually qualified by noting they think he’s “good for the economy,” “beneficial to my small business,” and this being Texas, he of course wants them to have assault rifles and “keeps the illegals out.” “Would you walk up to Anne Frank in the supermarket by the frozen peas and tell her that you ‘love’ her but you support Hitler?,” he asks of his local Trumpkins after segueing into an Anne Frank metaphor. “Because if you would, you need to be rammed in the ankles with a shopping cart immediately.” “You can’t sit there until your black friends, your immigrant friends, your Muslim friends, your Hispanic friends, your LGBTQ friends that you love and support them but you’re supporting Trump,” Duffer continues as the ride gathers speed. “Because we’ve got Mexicans in cages, we have got black people getting killed in the street, we’ve got gays being stripped of their rights left and right I mean every day I wake up Donald Trump is doing something to attack these people.” “He is not good for this country and you just, you sound dumb.” “And I need you to stop, ok?” Summing up the situation as he takes his final lap around his home’s hallways, Duffer shares, “It’s not a difference of opinion, it’s a difference of morality.” “Have a great f**king day – unless you support Trump.” Thank you, Andrew Joseph Duffer.