Psychotherapist Matthew Dempsey’s latest video explores how LGBTQ folks can see a very distorted image of ourselves because of emotional issues, how that’s put on even more of a hyperdrive during COVID, and what we can do.
From the good therapist:
What we see reflected in the mirror can go from a “flower crown” to “zombie lens” filter in a heartbeat without anything actually changing.
We tend to buy what we see on the surface at face value without realizing how much it’s distorted by our deeper emotional stuff. And us gays have plenty thanks to homophobia.
Check out my latest video on the “Funhouse Mirrors” effect, how it can be more triggering than ever during COVID, and how we can reset not only what we feel but also what we see.
In his latest YouTube video, psychotherapist Matthew Dempsey explores not only why but how we should speak up to make sure our needs are met.
It makes sense that we should always ask for what it is that we want, but many of us often don’t.
Maybe we were ‘the best little kid in the world’ and taught ourselves to not make waves in order to be loved?
Or perhaps we learned to be a rebel at a young age and now we don’t take any shit?
According to Dempsey, both perspectives can “stem from our own underlying fear that we’re really not worth caring about.”
Recounting a recent chapter in his life where he stood firm on what it was he wanted in terms of dating, Dempsey makes the case that it’s ok to tell people what it is we need.
As Dempsey puts it, if friends or lovers can’t give or respect what it is we need from them, then maybe we need to love those folks “from a distance.”
“We have to forgive the people who aren’t able to meet our needs, and we have to invest like hell into those who can,” advises Dempsey.
Dempsey addresses the issue much better than I can, so hit the play button below.
Therapist Matthew Dempsey has a new web series, Cost of Two Sandwiches, where he sits down picnic style to offer his brand of “queer psychotherapeutic guidance” to LGBTQs who are struggling with personal issues like coming out, dating, religion, sex and body image.
In the latest episode, Dempsey chats with Sterling – a gay man who loves being single, but also thinks he wants a serious relationship.
It turns out Sterling was in a great relationship for nearly several years, but five years ago he felt a sexual itch and wanted to scratch it.
He approached his partner at the time about opening up the relationship to accommodate Sterling’s desire to “sexually explore.” The couple went to therapy together, and the boyfriend even agreed to try an open relationship, but assured Sterling, “I will leave.”
So, the two went their separate ways and Sterling has spent the past five years loving being single and being sex positive. In his own words, he’s “been exploring the f**k out” of his sexual self.
But, on some Sundays or Tuesday afternoons, he finds he misses having a partner to “stabilize” him. The problem for Sterling is he’s afraid of losing his sexual freedom.
Dempsey: “What would you say is the thing that scares you the most about being in a relationship?”
Sterling: “That I won’t get to hook up with anybody else.”
Sounds like a “having your cake and eating it, too” kind of situation.
Is this about fear of commitment? Or taking care of sexual needs?
Dempsey brings up a few issues that are central to the issue including compatibility in relationships, coping with our sex drives, and adopting relationships that align with societal views.
Hit play below to see how the chat plays out, then share your thoughts in the comments.
Is Sterling selfish? Or is he just trying to understand himself?
Psychotherapist Matthew Dempsey shares his thoughts on the effect of “pretty privilege” in life, and specifically in the LGBTQ community.
Dempsey begins by defining exactly what “privilege” is.
In other words, what he calls ‘unearned advantages’ some folks are born with like being white, straight, male, cisgender, and yes, attractive.
When it comes to the ‘attractive’ component, Dempsey lists traits like being tall, having good hair, symmetrical features that he calls “hitting the genetic lottery.”
In the United States, its certainly true that all those characteristics can make life a bit easier to maneuver through.
Study after study has shown that being attractive may make it easier to find a mate, are perceived to be more intelligent and likable, and are viewed as healthier.
Speaking candidly, Dempsey admits to his audience that he knows he’s enjoyed “pretty privilege” in his life saying, “I didn’t have to work to be 6’3” and I didn’t have to work to have my face look the way it did.”
“This is just something that I was born into,” he adds.
And what does this get folks? According to Dempsey this ‘privilege’ translates into getting party invites, dates, job offers and more thanks to the way he looks.
Admittedly, its somewhat uncomfortable to watch and listen to someone describe their “born under a lucky star” status.
Even Dempsey admits, the discussion can come off a bit douchey:
“So you might be watching this after a couple minutes and thinking, ‘Why am I watching this douchebag talk about how attractive he is and how easy his life has been?’ Totally get it.
“Listen, my intention here is not to brag, I promise, because I recognize that I’m putting an easy target on my back for people to just drag me for days and tell me that I am no Pietro Boselli. I know that I am no Pietro Boselli!
“I don’t consider myself the pinnacle of physical beauty, but I do recognize that I have had an advantage in life just because of how I look. And so that’s what I want to talk about and acknowledge ‘pretty privilege’ is a real thing.”
Where Dempsey is going with all this is to say that when those with ‘unearned advantages’ admit those privileges, it helps honor and validate the disadvantage of others.
For instance, when hunky guys complain about not having 6% body fat to their friends who may truly struggle with their weight not only doesn’t ‘honor’ their friends but it is insensitive to others.
Take a few minutes and watch the video below.
The comments on the YouTube page ranged from disgust to agreement.
“6:31 minutes of this video basically : “I am hot and I acknowledge I am hot.’”
“I can relate to you Matt. But people let’s be clear there is a dangerous side to “pretty privilege”. The most morally, spiritually, and mentally bankrupt people are the “Hot Gays”.
“Thanks for acknowledging this struggle. Gay Asian male here who has probably internalized all the bad stuff going around about being gay and Asian while living in a mostly white, western NA city.”
“Disappointed in you Matt . I’ve been following you from the very beginning. But lately your vlogs have been very stereotypical on our lgbt community. Hunny this vlog was very narcissistic. I mean let’s be real. You live in Hollywood where you live and thrive on you looks . Smh. Conceited is boring . There are wayyyy more important things going on this world.”
“’… just because of how I look.’ I don’t think I have heard anyone say it more louder and honestly. Thanks Matthew.”
To be fair – watch the full six minutes to get Dempsey’s take on the subject and let me know what you think.
I’ve previously written about Dempsey here where he addresses facing ‘body image’ issues.
Is this a real conversation to be having? Or is it narcissistic to admit “pretty privilege?”
LA-based psychotherapist Matthew Dempsey‘s has made a name for himself on YouTube with his thoughtful insights on issues like racism, aging, masculinity, depression, and other topics of interest to gay men.
In the handsome therapist’s latest video, he uses his own smoking hot body as a visual aid to address the issue of body positivity and feeling comfortable in our own skin
Now, before we go any further, Dempsey admits in a note published with the video that he expects some “eye rolls” and “rejection” over revealing his flat abs and sculpted chest in an interview about “loving yourself at any size.”
“I understand how ridiculous that message can be coming from me,” says Dempsey. “Genetics has given me an unearned advantage in life and it’s easier for me to love my body when the world around me tells me it’s looking just fine.”
Matt says the interview and photo shoot by Jerrad Matthew isn’t “a ploy to nab some extra attention” but a vehicle to share his own concerns about showing his body out of fear that folks would not take him seriously.
“I’ve been afraid to show any of my body for fear that others could feel worse about theirs or even more that you would all think I’m a fraud and not care about me or what I have to say anymore,” says Dempsey. “I can sometimes get stuck in trying to predict what others want from me and not disappoint and my social media presence has been no exception.”
“So, here’s to a little bit of ego, a lot of surrender, and a whole lot of beauty in a shoot created by my friend Jerrad Matthew.”
Perusing comments on several LGBT websites, it appears the video might have backfired to some degree as some have chimed in with those predicted “eye rolls.” A few detractors say taking off your shirt when you’re handsome and ripped isn’t really much of an exercise in “feeling comfortable in your own skin.”
I think Dempsey looks mighty fine shirtless or otherwise. But what do you think, readers?
Does Dempsey’s lesson in challenging body issues land? Watch below.
