Tag: coming out

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Gay Man Defends Bro’s Coming Out To Dad “It’s Like You Forgot Everything You Learned”

Reid Chandler (photo: Yordan)
Eight years ago, Reid Chandler came out to his family. A process he admits was “tough.” In a recent post on Twitter, Chandler shares that his family has been “amazing” in the time since he came out and “made a lot of progress,” which he straight up (you’ll pardon the pun) appreciates. But over the Thanksgiving holiday, his brother came out as well which Chandler characterizes as “tougher.” As his dad drove Chandler to the airport after the holiday, the father dropped an unsettling comment regarding his second son’s coming out – “Don’t take this the wrong way, but it makes me and your mom feel like we’ve done something terribly wrong as parents.” After processing the comment for a time, Chandler wrote to his father about the remark responding to the steps backward it seemed to represent. In sharing the missive on Twitter, which has now gone viral, he wrote: “So I love my parents and I won’t tolerate mean comments… but understand we are from a really southern, conservative background and me coming out was tough. My brother coming out last week was tougher,” Chandler wrote. “It took me that long to process but my dad needed to hear this.”

Here’s the text of Chandler’s message to his father:

Hey, I want to preface this text by saying I love you and you’ll always be my dad. I appreciate everything you’ve ever done for me and I have a lot of respect for you.

But a comment you made on the drive to the airport has kept me up all night every night this week. I don’t expect a text back from you and I don’t even know if I want one. But this needs to be said.

“Don’t take this the wrong way, but it makes me and your mom feel like we’ve done something terribly wrong as parents.”

How do I not take that the wrong way? Essentially you are saying that me being gay is a result of terrible parenting. That this is a pestilence we were cursed with. That I am a curse.

The belief system you and mom were raised on are not mine or Layton’s responsibility to tiptoe around or be sensitive to. Whatever you were taught about gay people-it is wrong. Point blank, period. End of story.

Imagine a parent telling their straight son he is a mistake. How wrong does that sound? That’s how you sounded to me in the car.

It is just as likely your child will be straight, bi, gay, trans, etc. You just weren’t raised to believe that and I guess I have to accept that. But I won’t accept feeling the way I’ve felt all week.

Eight years ago I came out to you and it’s been a journey for our whole family. You’ve been amazing all things considered and I thought we’ve made a lot of progress. You even invited my boyfriend at one time on vacation. Yet my brother comes out and it’s like we hit the reset button. It’s like you forgot everything you learned about love and compassion.

Be better and do better. Expand your mind. And if you don’t, fine, I can’t force you to and I certainly won’t bring this up again. But the train has left the station, Dad. My life is on the path it was always meant to be. Get on board or don’t. I will find happiness one way or another. It breaks my heart I have to even ask this of you.

Just because I love men doesn’t make me less of a man. And just because you don’t accept that doesn’t mean it isn’t true.

In follow-up posts, Chandler said he didn’t anticipate his message receiving the attention it has “but I guess that’s what happens when you put something on Twitter.” He added that he considered removing the tweet because it felt “too personal” admitting he was “in an emotional space” when he tweeted it. But after the overwhelmingly “warm and moving” responses he received (over 28,000), he decided to leave it up as it seemed to resonate with so many. He also tweeted that many followers had asked if he got a response from his dad. He has but “sharing more of our conversation feels a step too invasive.” Sharing that his father was “kind and loving” in his response, he added that, “Our family is very close and I know I’m privileged in that regard.”

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‘Sense8’ Star Brian J. Smith Comes Out “It’s Not As Dangerous As I Thought It Was”

Brian J. Smith as ‘Will Gorski’ in SENSE8 (image via Netflix)
Actor Brian J. Smith, who most of us discovered in the Netflix series Sense8, comes out in the new issue of Attitude Magazine and shares that he found refuge in acting during a rough childhood in Texas. In a candid and revealing interview, Smith says that he felt – like many young LGBTQ kids – that he “could never be who I was.” “I was constantly having to check myself and make sure I wasn’t looking at someone too long or making someone feel uncomfortable,” says the 38-year-old actor. “I had to be very, very careful about telling the people the truth about myself.” Back in 1980s rural Texas, Smith didn’t feel there were any support systems for him as a young gay.

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I was 16 once.

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“Forget about any LGBTQ union or groups – there was absolutely nothing,” said Smith, adding that he “heard all the names: p*ssy, f*ggot.” But once he discovered acting, the stage became a refuge where he could “disappear” and become someone else. Smith explains that most of his classmates in school “probably thought I was an absolute idiot, a nerd,” but when he was on stage “they paid attention to me, and they saw that I had something.” “And that’s when I didn’t feel alone.” Acting would take center stage in Smith’s life leading him to make his Broadway debut in 2008 in Come Back, Little Sheba. He scored Tony and Drama Desk nominations for his performance as ‘The Gentleman Caller’ in the acclaimed 2013 revival of Tennessee Williams’ The Glass Menagerie starring out actors Zachary Quinto and Cherry Jones.

But it was his role as Chicago police officer ‘Will Gorski’ in the LGBTQ-inclusive Netflix series Sense8 that really put Smith in the global spotlight. Even though the show only lasted two seasons, it developed a loyal following that embraced all of the series’ stars including Smith.

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Migs and me. Positano, Italy.

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The show also became his introduction to leading-man action roles. He recently premiered in the new USA Network series, Treadstone, an action-packed spin-off of the Jason Bourne franchise. And is also currently featured in the BBC One series World On Fire in the UK.

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😎 @treadstone

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He didn’t come out to his parents until he was 30, but describes their reaction as “wonderful.” It turned out that, like many kids coming out to their parents, mom and dad knew already and “were just waiting for me to say something.” On reflection, Smith admits, “They were a lot more advanced than I gave them credit for.” “I think that’s when I became OK with it, too,” says Smith. “Just in terms of being, ‘Oh that’s the world, it’s not as dangerous as I thought it was.’”

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😎 🌈

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In hindsight, thinking back to his early years in small-town Texas, Smith realizes he was fine all the time. He just needed to hear it. “There weren’t enough people there to say to me: ‘You don’t need to be someone different, you don’t need to change who you are,’” he tells Attitude. “What that kid needed was somebody to pick him up and say, ‘You’re perfect as you are, it’s OK.’” Check out more of Smith’s interview plus his ‘revealing’ photoshoot with Attitude here. Smith shared the news of his Attitude cover story via Instagram writing, “Good morning, world. The folks at @attitudemag reached out and I knew it was time. Hoping there’s other people out there like me (and not like me!) who can relate. Nothin but love! Now let’s go party.”

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News Round-Up: October 7, 2019

Fitness model Anthony Varrechia (via Instagram)
Some news items you might have missed: • InstaHunks: So, I pretty much have no words here. Fitness model Anthony Varrechia (above) has me speechless. Please, just enjoy (and follow him on Instagram here). • Outsports: Jon Lee-Olsen, goalkeeper for Rungsted Seier Capital in Rungsted, Denmark, recently came out as gay during a live interview with Danish news. The 27-year-old becomes the first professional male ice hockey player to come out publicly as gay in Denmark and may be the only openly gay ice hockey player competing professionally in the world. • TVLine: Harry Potter vet Brendan Gleeson has been cast as President Trump in CBS Studios’ four-hour limited series based on former FBI Director James Comey’s bestselling book, A Higher Loyalty. Jeff Daniels will star as Comey in the as-yet-untitled project. • Reddit: Some folks think gay culture focuses too much on sex – others think sex is just human nature. • Men’s Variety: Congrats on being a grown-up and having sex. Now check out this list of ‘after sex’ etiquette to make sure you don’t ruin the moment. • NBC News: Just a day after falling at his home where he got a black eye and had to get stitches above his eye, Jimmy Carter, the oldest living president showed up to build a home for Habitats for Humanity. Lesson? Be like Jimmy, not like Donald.

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Darlene’s Son Comes Out On ‘The Connors’

Since the premiere of the Roseanne reboot (now sans Roseanne Barr and retooled as The Connors), Darlene’s (Sara Gilbert) son Mark (Ames McNamara) has been dropping hints about his sexuality while being openly gender non-conforming. Continue reading “Darlene’s Son Comes Out On ‘The Connors’”

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Karamo Brown Isn’t A Fan Of “Coming Out”

Karamo Brown of ‘Queer Eye’ (image via Instagram)
In a new interview with The Advocate, Karamo Brown (of Queer Eye fame) says he’s not a big fan of the term ‘coming out.’ “It’s actually a term that I advocate against,” Karamo tells The Advocate. “I believe that the term ‘coming out’ is a bit antiquated and outdated in the sense [that] it gives the power to someone else to accept or deny you when, in actuality, what the process is, is that we’re letting people into our lives. When you do that, it gives the person the courage to know that you have the ability to set boundaries and decide who you want to let in your life.” “I think it takes some of the pressure off,” he adds. “It gives the power back to the person who actually needs it. So it’s something that, as when I worked in social services, I taught my kids.” I’m actually on the other side of that coin. I believe that ‘coming out’ is ABOUT people owning who they are and their power. And – the idea of someone accepting or denying someone coming out is on them, not the person coming out. The issue of ‘coming out’ landed squarely at Karamo’s feet recently when he was surprised by his 22-year-old son Jason who came out to him as pansexual. The Queer Eye ‘culture guy’ says he was hurt that his son didn’t feel he could come to him sooner since his dad is a ‘career gay.’ But he quickly got right with the program, studied up on what exactly being pansexual means for his son, and everything is jake between the two now. Click over to The Advocate to read more about Karamo’s relationship with his son, Jason.

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Why Hunky Mac Came Out On ‘It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia’

Rob McElhenney and Kylie Shea in 'It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia'

Rob McElhenney and Kylie Shea in 'It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia' With the FXX series It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia set to premiere its 14th season this week, show creator and star Rob McElhenney shared the gay evolution of his character, “Mac,” in a new Rolling Stone interview. It seems Mac’s coming out in Season 11 was never really meant to be the character becoming full-on gay. Explaining that the writing approach on the show is to “take whatever viewpoint any character has to the extreme,” McElhenney said the writers came up with the gay angle because Mac “is such an arch-arch Catholic conservative when it suits him, and when it doesn’t, he drops that.” Noting that many Christian conservatives are homophobic, the creators began bouncing ideas on how to take that to the next level and satirize that. “And that’s when I thought, ‘Let’s make him gay,’” says McElhenney. Looking back over past seasons, the writers felt some of Mac’s subtext played into that storyline. So in Season 11, Mac came out during an episode involving a gay couple on a Christian cruise.

McElhenney tells Rolling Stone the intent wasn’t to create a “gay character for comedic effect, that was there just to be gay and to be funny because he was gay.” The point was to poke fun at the ‘hypocrisy’ of an arch-conservative coming out. At the end of the episode, however, Mac went back in the closet in a plot twist. But the positive outpouring from fans about Mac’s coming out made McElhenney and his team realize “we screwed it up.” So, in Season 12, Mac came out again and stayed out. “It felt good that we were recognizing a part of our audience in a way that was not pandering, that wasn’t offensive or upsetting or a caricature,” says McElhenney. And that led to the finale of last season when Mac performed a shirtless, interpretive modern dance as a way to finally come out to his father, who has spent most of Mac’s life in prison.
The dance sequence, which has become one of the critical high points of the series, was born out of “always trying to surprise people and do something different.” Explaining the show tends to stay away from “tapping into emotional resonance,” the 42-year-old actor shared that the creative team wanted to stretch and do something different. And since McElhenney had no dance experience whatsoever, the intricately choreographed dance would definitely be ‘a stretch.’ After four months of intense training and rehearsals, the challenging segment closed the season in spectacularly unexpected style. When Season 14 debuts, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia will tie the 1950s family comedy The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet for the most seasons by a live-action sitcom. Tune in to see what’s next for Mac and his irreverent bunch of misfits this Wednesday, September 25, at 10 pm on FXX.

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This industry has been so good to me. I have absolutely nothing to complain about with regards to awards. That train left the station a long time ago. But if there is anyone who deserves some Emmy recognition it’s the team of @alison_faulk @leomoctezuma and @kyliesheaxo. They took an uncoordinated buffoon and created something really special. I truly can’t dance for shit but they worked tirelessly to make it look like I could. I will be forever grateful for an incredible experience. Their patience and support and dedication will be remembered always. I don’t know much about choreography awards but if they don’t get one there’s something seriously fucked up over at the @televisionacad . #dance #emmys

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Jonathan Van Ness Comes Out As HIV-Positive In New Memoir

Jonathan Van Ness of Queer Eye fame

Jonathan Van Ness of Queer Eye fame In advance of his upcoming memoir, Over the Top, Jonathan Van Ness of Queer Eye fame sat down with the New York Times to touch on some of the more ‘vulnerable’ subjects in the book. Among those are coming out about his struggles with sex and drug addiction to the day of his diagnosis as HIV-positive. Offering a Cliff Notes of the new autobiography, the Times includes details from Van Ness’s life like growing up in Quincy, Illinois, as a self-described “little baby queen;” the taunts he was subjected to throughout school years (“I was too fat, too femme, too loud and too unlovable”); and spending early teen years in AOL chat rooms where he would learn to meet older men for sex. Exalting in the freedom felt after moving from Illinois to Arizona for college, his first month he blew his monthly allowance on cocaine. Embarrassed by his own recklessness, rather than ask his mother for more money, he began to advertise sex for money on a gay personals site. He would end up flunking out of college at the end of his first year. But years of styling his Barbie dolls’ hair would lead him to his current career as a beautician. The cover of 'Over the Top: A Raw Journey to Self-Love' But as his drug and sex addictions continued, he spiraled downward whle working and living in Los Angeles.  After a fainting episode, while coloring a client’s hair, he went to Planned Parenthood where a blood test would reveal his HIV-positive status. He was 25-years-old. “That day was just as devastating as you would think it would be,” he tells the Times. Since that time, he’s gotten his addictions under control, his parody series Gay of Thrones brought him public attention (it was nominated for 3 Creative Arts Emmys), and ultimately found his place as a cast member of the Emmy Award-winning reboot of Queer Eye. The Times article closes by writing:

He is healthy and now describes himself as an out-and-proud “member of the beautiful H.I.V.-positive community.”

“When ‘Queer Eye’ came out, it was really difficult because I was like, ‘Do I want to talk about my status?,” he said. “And then I was like, ‘The Trump administration has done everything they can do to have the stigmatization of the L.G.B.T. community thrive around me.’” 

He paused before adding, “I do feel the need to talk about this.”

“These are all difficult subjects to talk about on a makeover show about hair and makeup,” he said. “That doesn’t mean ‘Queer Eye’ is less valid, but I want people to realize you’re never too broken to be fixed.”

“Having the opportunity to write my book and share my story with you is the most important opportunity I’ve ever had,” shared Van Ness on his Instagram today. “The first article about the book came out today from the @nytimes & I’m relieved I can speak fully about the things that shape my experience in life.” “The book speaks to some extremely difficult times but it’s also filled with my humor, joy and voice & I can’t wait to share it with you fully,” he adds. “Thanks so much for your support so far, it means the world.”

Over the Top: A Raw Journey to Self-Love will be released September 24.

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Rugby Legend Gareth Thomas Comes Out As HIV+

In a candid video message shared via social media, rugby legend Gareth Thomas (above) has revealed that he is HIV-positive. Thomas, who came out publicly as gay in 2009 and retired from the sport in 2011, made the announcement Saturday in a video posted on Twitter. As part of his message, he shared he was making the announcement now because he was ‘being blackmailed’ over his status. “I want to share my secret with you,” the former Wales rugby star shares in the video message. “Why? Because it’s mine to tell you. Not the evils that make my life hell by threatening to tell you before I do. And because I believe in you and I trust you.” After pausing for a moment, the 45-year-old athlete continued, “I’m living with HIV.” “Now you have that information, that makes me extremely vulnerable, but it does not make me weak,” he added. “Now, even though I’ve been forced to tell you this, I choose to fight to educate and break the stigma around this subject. And that begins today.” “Everyone lives in fear of people’s reactions and opinions to something about them, but that doesn’t mean we should have to hide,” concluded the rugby icon. “But to do this I really, really need your support.”

The former Celebrity Big Brother star told the Sunday Mirror that even though he’d been living with his secret for years, he made the decision to come out as HIV+ now because “I was being blackmailed, and in my mind you only get blackmailed for something really bad, which compounded the feeling of shame.” Thomas didn’t name the outlet threatening to out his status. Explaining that living with the secret has worn heavily on him, he shared his concerns that “people would judge me and treat me like a leper because of a lack of knowledge.” “I was in a dark place, feeling suicidal,” he added. “I  thought about driving off a cliff.” Thomas gives credit to a strong support system around him, including his husband who he married in 2016 after discovering he was HIV-positive. After years of taking antiretroviral medications, he says his viral load is undetectable, making the possibility of passing on the virus to others practically zero. “Many people live in fear and shame of having HIV, but I refuse to be one of them now,” Thomas says. “We need to break the stigma once and for all. I’m speaking out because I want to help others and make a difference.” Today, Thomas works as an ITV pundit for the Rugby World Cup, and is planning on competing today in the Wales Ironman event. “I’m fitter now than when I played rugby and I didn’t have HIV then,” he says. “I’m not just all right, I’m better than all right.” In November 2018, Thomas was the victim of a gay-bashing incident in his hometown. In lieu of pressing charges, the sports icon instead asked for an apology. The reaction on social media has been overwhelmingly positive, including a message from Prince William via the Kensington Palace Twitter account.

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Mayor Pete’s Coming Out Story Takes Center Stage At Debate

As the first openly gay Democratic candidate with a credible chance at winning the White House, Mayor Pete Buttigieg of South Bend, Indiana, has already made a historic mark on the 2020 presidential election cycle. But at the close of the third Democratic debate last night, all ten candidates onstage were asked to relate a story of resilience from their lives. In a moment that was as poignant as it was personal, the 37-year-old shared his own coming out story.

As a military officer service under Don’t Ask Don’t Tell, and as an elected official in the state of Indiana when Mike Pence was governor, at a certain point, when it came to professional setbacks, I had to wonder whether just acknowledging who I was was going to be the ultimate career-ending professional setback.

I came back from the deployment and realized you only get to live one life. I was not interested in not knowing what it was like to be in love any longer.

So I just came out.

I had no idea what kind of professional setback it would be, especially because, inconveniently, it was an election year in my socially conservative community.

What happened was that when I trusted voters to judge me based on the job that I did for them, they decided to trust me, and reelected me with 80% of the vote.

What I learned was that trust can be reciprocated and that part of how you can win – and deserve to win – is to know what’s worth more to you than winning. And I think what’s what we need in the presidency right now: we have to know what we are about.

And this election is not about any of us up here. It is not about this president, even though it’s hard to talk of anything else some days.

It’s about the people who trust us with their lives; the kid wondering if we’re actually going to make their school safer when they’ve learned active shooter drills before they’ve learned to read; a generation wondering if we will actually get the job done on climate change.

And if we hold to that, then it doesn’t matter what happens to each of us professionally. Together, we will win a better era for our country.

While it’s not news that Buttigieg came out during his campaign for a second term as mayor, what IS news is for an openly gay presidential candidate to relate his own coming out journey to millions while standing shoulder to shoulder with his peers. Many in the Twitterverse, from LGBTQ advocates to gay veterans, acknowledged the importance of the moment:

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Another Former Leader Of ‘Ex-Gay’ Movement Comes Out, Apologizes For Harm Caused

Yet another former leader of the so-called ‘ex-gay movement’ has come out as gay, and issued a public apology for his part in advocating for the harmful practice of ‘conversion therapy.’ In a post on his Facebook page, McKrae Game apologized for his part in founding Hope for Wholeness, which promised to aid those who “struggle with homosexuality find the freedom to live in sexual and relational wholeness.” From OUT:

Game, who ran the organization for two decades, said its stance that LGBTQ+ people can be cured of their identities is “wrong.”

“I know that creating the organization … was in a large way causing harm,” he wrote. “Creating a catchy slogan that put out a very misleading idea of ‘Freedom from homosexuality through Jesus Christ’ was definitely harmful.”

Game also asked for forgiveness for telling LGBTQ+ that their feelings are “wrong, bad, sinful, [and] evil.”

“It’s all in my past, but way too many continue believing that there is something wrong with themselves and wrong with people that choose to live their lives honestly and open as gay, lesbian, trans, etc.,” he wrote. “Learn to love yourself and others.”

All of the nation’s major mental health and medical associations, including the American Psychological Association and the American Academy of Pediatrics, have denounced conversion therapy as not only ineffective but dangerous. The harmful practice has been linked to anxiety, depressions and suicide. To date, 18 states have banned the practice on LGBTQ youth. According to the Williams Institute, nearly 700,000 people in the U.S. are survivors of the treatment. Game, married to a woman before coming out as gay earlier this year, is just the latest in a long line of former conversion therapy advocates who have reversed their position on ‘ex-gay’ therapy. Nine ex-gay leaders who left the movement have called for the treatment to be banned. Game recently sat down with the Post & Courier regarding his newfound revelations: