Over on Instinct Magazine (you guys know I’m a regular contributor there, right?), our editor suggested the writers share our coming out stories for National Coming Out Day. I found my colleagues’ experiences really compelling to read. Click over to here and here to see how they fared. It wasn’t until I sat down to write it that I realized I’d never really thought about my coming out. In truth, coming out isn’t a ‘step’ but a process. It happens in stages. I grew up in Fort Worth, Texas, in the 1970s. Trust and believe, it was not a welcoming environment for the gays. As I thought back to the idea of ‘coming out’ I realize there were aspects of life that kept me in the closet, even when I didn’t know I was in one. And those episodes are part of the story as well. I remember being drawn to a boy named Chris in 1st grade. Nothing sexual – I just knew he was funny, charismatic…people liked him. And so did I. Nothing ever happened between us, but something drew me to him.Is acknowledging attraction a part of coming out? When I got to middle school, things started to get complicated. Kids were hurtling toward puberty, and guys I’d gone to school with for years seemed to view things differently than I did. I was interested in singing and performing on stage. I auditioned for and was accepted into, the world-famous Texas Boys Choir. That would prove to be problematic for middle school social circles. It wasn’t softball or football – it was ‘other.’ Boys I’d known since Cub Scouts now openly called me ‘fag’ on the playground. There were incidents where they would chase me, punch me, kick me. I honestly didn’t know I was gay, but I knew it was something I certainly didn’t want to be if this is what life would be like. By 8th grade, I was asked to join the touring company of the TBC which meant traveling around the entire country for weeks at a time. In a different city practically every day, we would bunk two boys to a hotel room. Now, most of us being about 13-years-old, it won’t come as a surprise there was some ‘experimenting’ among some of the guys, but it was done in secret. We were all pretty much locked in that closet we didn’t know existed. High school years were pretty much hell. Not a day went by I wasn’t called ‘faggot’ in the halls or in class. In that environment, I fiercely tried to convince myself none of this had anything to do with me. I dated girls but rarely took romance any further than kissing. I remember telling myself I was being ‘a gentleman.’ The most surprising thing about those four years was being befriended by two popular jocks at school. John and David – both tall, strapping guys who played sports in school – included me in their circle and we became best friends. There was never anything sexual in the mix, they just liked me for me. I’ve never forgotten how much their friendship kind of saved me during those years. Their unconditional friendship would eventually spark the confidence in myself I sorely lacked. p.s. John and David and Randy are still tight today. States apart, we can pick up the phone and the years fall away.(image via Keith Haring Foundation) The summer after I graduated from high school, I was cast as a performer at a professional summer stock theater about four hours away from my hometown. When I arrived at my new job, I came to realize I was the youngest in the company. Being musical theater, there were openly gay guys in the shows. They were older, had ‘dealt with themselves’ and didn’t seem conflicted about it.Like I was. Throughout the summer, one guy continually flirted with me. It didn’t seem like flirting at the time, more like dressing room banter, but I figured it out later. One night after a performance, I gave him a ride to the house he was renting, and as he got out of the car I went to kiss him on the cheek (which is what theater people did back then). He stopped me, paused, and then kissed me for real.‘For real’ for real. Time stopped. Suddenly, attraction, romance, and sex all clicked together. Today I think of that kiss as the moment I came out to myself. It was so full and authentic, there was no denying it. And coming out to yourself is really the first step in the journey. Of course, nothing lasting would come from that ‘flirtation,’ but we did have something of a fling for the remaining weeks of summer. And the other guy, understanding the closet door he had unlocked, would handle my young soon-to-be-broken heart very well. I went on to college, got a degree in musical theater and moved to New York City. In all that, there really wasn’t any progress in coming out as I was busy with school. It was after a year in NYC I was cast in a new national touring company of a big hit Broadway show, CATS. During rehearsals, I became smitten with another actor in the show, and we became ‘romantical’ almost immediately after hitting the road. Our second city on tour was Dallas, near where I’d grown up. I stayed with my dad during those weeks of the run and feeling empowered by my new job and new boyfriend, I decided to ‘share.’ Watching TV together, I told my dad I was ‘seeing someone’ in the show. He asked if it was a particular cast member he had noticed at the opening night party. “No, his name is David.” My dad, a bit lost in whatever it was we were watching, took a second and then looked up at me. With a confused expression, it took a moment for him to eke out, “Aw…you don’t want that, son, do you?” I said I did. The moment took a breath. I added that I was nervous to tell him because I didn’t want him to disown me (or something). THAT got a reaction out of him. My dad moved the TV show out of his head, turned to focus on me and firmly announced, “Randy, don’t ever think you don’t have a place here. You always belong here.” And that was that. I had crossed the coming out bridge, and my Texas Republican father took that trip with me – with no hesitation. With hubby Michael (photo: John Ganun) It would be a decade before my dad would meet the man who is now my husband (together 25 years now). Having traveled to Texas for my grandmother’s funeral, my husband walked into the room, and my dad – in his big, broad Texas way – walked right up to Michael, shook his hand and said, “You must be Michael – hey, you’re good-looking!” Over the years, I found working in the theater made for a safe place for gays, so I never really had to come out to co-workers. I think about the only friends I ever felt the need to ‘come out’ to were my besties, John and David, from high school. But, like out of a TV movie, both of those ended up being non-events where I barely got the first sentence out before they were nodding, smiling, and asking why it took me so long to bring it up. So, in the end, while childhood taught me to be afraid of who I intrinsically was, the people who were most important showed me I was fine the whole time. Coming out is: frightening, unnerving, a process. But most of all, one of the most authentic and empowering things you’ll ever do for yourself. Here’s to everyone who takes even a first step today! In the immortal words of Dr. Seuss: Today you are youThat is truer than trueThere is no one aliveWho is you-er than you
Since the premiere of the Roseanne reboot (now sans Roseanne Barr and retooled as The Connors), Darlene’s (Sara Gilbert) son Mark (Ames McNamara) has been dropping hints about his sexuality while being openly gender non-conforming. Continue reading “Darlene’s Son Comes Out On ‘The Connors’”
Karamo Brown of ‘Queer Eye’ (image via Instagram) In a new interview with The Advocate, Karamo Brown (of Queer Eye fame) says he’s not a big fan of the term ‘coming out.’ “It’s actually a term that I advocate against,” Karamo tells The Advocate. “I believe that the term ‘coming out’ is a bit antiquated and outdated in the sense [that] it gives the power to someone else to accept or deny you when, in actuality, what the process is, is that we’re letting people into our lives. When you do that, it gives the person the courage to know that you have the ability to set boundaries and decide who you want to let in your life.” “I think it takes some of the pressure off,” he adds. “It gives the power back to the person who actually needs it. So it’s something that, as when I worked in social services, I taught my kids.” I’m actually on the other side of that coin. I believe that ‘coming out’ is ABOUT people owning who they are and their power. And – the idea of someone accepting or denying someone coming out is on them, not the person coming out. The issue of ‘coming out’ landed squarely at Karamo’s feet recently when he was surprised by his 22-year-old son Jason who came out to him as pansexual. The Queer Eye ‘culture guy’ says he was hurt that his son didn’t feel he could come to him sooner since his dad is a ‘career gay.’ But he quickly got right with the program, studied up on what exactly being pansexual means for his son, and everything is jake between the two now. Click over to The Advocate to read more about Karamo’s relationship with his son, Jason.
In advance of his upcoming memoir, Over the Top, Jonathan Van Ness of Queer Eye fame sat down with the New York Times to touch on some of the more ‘vulnerable’ subjects in the book. Among those are coming out about his struggles with sex and drug addiction to the day of his diagnosis as HIV-positive. Offering a Cliff Notes of the new autobiography, the Times includes details from Van Ness’s life like growing up in Quincy, Illinois, as a self-described “little baby queen;” the taunts he was subjected to throughout school years (“I was too fat, too femme, too loud and too unlovable”); and spending early teen years in AOL chat rooms where he would learn to meet older men for sex. Exalting in the freedom felt after moving from Illinois to Arizona for college, his first month he blew his monthly allowance on cocaine. Embarrassed by his own recklessness, rather than ask his mother for more money, he began to advertise sex for money on a gay personals site. He would end up flunking out of college at the end of his first year. But years of styling his Barbie dolls’ hair would lead him to his current career as a beautician. But as his drug and sex addictions continued, he spiraled downward whle working and living in Los Angeles. After a fainting episode, while coloring a client’s hair, he went to Planned Parenthood where a blood test would reveal his HIV-positive status. He was 25-years-old. “That day was just as devastating as you would think it would be,” he tells the Times. Since that time, he’s gotten his addictions under control, his parody series Gay of Thrones brought him public attention (it was nominated for 3 Creative Arts Emmys), and ultimately found his place as a cast member of the Emmy Award-winning reboot of Queer Eye. The Times article closes by writing:
He is healthy and now describes himself as an out-and-proud “member of the beautiful H.I.V.-positive community.”
“When ‘Queer Eye’ came out, it was really difficult because I was like, ‘Do I want to talk about my status?,” he said. “And then I was like, ‘The Trump administration has done everything they can do to have the stigmatization of the L.G.B.T. community thrive around me.’”
He paused before adding, “I do feel the need to talk about this.”
“These are all difficult subjects to talk about on a makeover show about hair and makeup,” he said. “That doesn’t mean ‘Queer Eye’ is less valid, but I want people to realize you’re never too broken to be fixed.”
“Having the opportunity to write my book and share my story with you is the most important opportunity I’ve ever had,” shared Van Ness on his Instagram today. “The first article about the book came out today from the @nytimes & I’m relieved I can speak fully about the things that shape my experience in life.” “The book speaks to some extremely difficult times but it’s also filled with my humor, joy and voice & I can’t wait to share it with you fully,” he adds. “Thanks so much for your support so far, it means the world.”
Ryan Russell, currently an NFL free agent, hopes to return to the game after missing all of last season with a shoulder injury. But before he begins his journey to redemption, he had a little business to take care of. In a first-person essay for ESPN, Russell has come out as bisexual, writing, “My truth is that I’m a talented football player, a damn good writer, a loving son, an overbearing brother, a caring friend, a loyal lover, and a bisexual man.” “Today, I have two goals: returning to the NFL, and living my life openly,” penned the 6’5″ 267-pound defensive end. “I want to live my dream of playing the game I’ve worked my whole life to play, and being open about the person I’ve always been.” Back in 2015, Russell was a fifth-round draft pick for the Dallas Cowboys. Alas, he only played in a single game for the Cowboys before being traded to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers for the 2016 and 2017 seasons. Having missed all of last year’s season, he’s now working to get back in the game. More from his ESPN piece:
Growing up, I always felt as though my existence slipped between the cracks of two worlds.
I wasn’t flamboyant, tidy, or any other stereotypes kids are forced to construct their world around.
I wasn’t straight, hyper-masculine or aggressive; I cried quite a bit, and, as a young black man, I didn’t fit the bill.
I played football — so I put that in the straight column. I wrote poetry and romance stories — so I put that in the gay column.
Over time, I came to build two worlds. There was football, the drive to play at a professional level, a place that catered to my competitive instincts. Football was a world of opportunity where, if I performed well, I could earn a scholarship, support my family and build a life for myself long after I stopped playing.
Then there’s my personal world, which probably isn’t much different from most people who are figuring out who they are in adulthood.
I admire his honesty and authenticity. At this point, the question is, after the Michael Sam / NFL debacle of 2014, can an openly bisexual man return to the game? https://www.instagram.com/p/B1wP7kwgjmQ/
Over on Instinct Magazine (you guys know I’m a regular contributor there, right?), our editor suggested the writers share our coming out stories for National Coming Out Day. I found my colleagues’ experiences really compelling to read. Click over to here and here to see how they fared. It wasn’t until I sat down to write it that I realized I’d never really thought about my coming out. In truth, coming out isn’t a ‘step’ but a process. It happens in stages. I grew up in Fort Worth, Texas, in the 1970s. Trust and believe, it was not a welcoming environment for the gays. As I thought back to the idea of ‘coming out’ I realize there were aspects of life that kept me in the closet, even when I didn’t know I was in one. And those episodes are part of the story as well. I remember being drawn to a boy named Chris in 1st grade. Nothing sexual – I just knew he was funny, charismatic…people liked him. And so did I. Nothing ever happened between us, but something drew me to him. Is acknowledging attraction a part of coming out? 
When I got to middle school, things started to get complicated. Kids were hurtling toward puberty, and guys I’d gone to school with for years seemed to view things differently than I did. I was interested in singing and performing on stage. I auditioned for and was accepted into, the world-famous Texas Boys Choir. That would prove to be problematic for middle school social circles. It wasn’t softball or football – it was ‘other.’ Boys I’d known since Cub Scouts now openly called me ‘fag’ on the playground. There were incidents where they would chase me, punch me, kick me. I honestly didn’t know I was gay, but I knew it was something I certainly didn’t want to be if this is what life would be like. By 8th grade, I was asked to join the touring company of the TBC which meant traveling around the entire country for weeks at a time. In a different city practically every day, we would bunk two boys to a hotel room. Now, most of us being about 13-years-old, it won’t come as a surprise there was some ‘experimenting’ among some of the guys, but it was done in secret. We were all pretty much locked in that closet we didn’t know existed. High school years were pretty much hell. Not a day went by I wasn’t called ‘faggot’ in the halls or in class. In that environment, I fiercely tried to convince myself none of this had anything to do with me. I dated girls but rarely took romance any further than kissing. I remember telling myself I was being ‘a gentleman.’ The most surprising thing about those four years was being befriended by two popular jocks at school. John and David – both tall, strapping guys who played sports in school – included me in their circle and we became best friends. There was never anything sexual in the mix, they just liked me for me. I’ve never forgotten how much their friendship kind of saved me during those years. Their unconditional friendship would eventually spark the confidence in myself I sorely lacked. p.s. John and David and Randy are still tight today. States apart, we can pick up the phone and the years fall away. 
