Author: Randy Slovacek

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“I REGRET TO INFORM YOU THAT MY WEDDING TO CAPTAIN VON TRAPP HAS BEEN CANCELED.”

For fans of The Sound of Music…
by Melinda Taub

Dear friends, family, and Austrian nobility,

Captain Von Trapp and I are very sorry to inform you that we no longer plan to wed. We offer our deepest apologies to those of you who have already made plans to travel to Salzburg this summer.

Those of you on the Captain’s side of the guest list are probably aware of the reason for the change of plans. I’m sure by now you have received that charming “Save the date!” card in the shape of a mountain goat from the Captain and his new fiancée, Maria.

I must confess to being rather blindsided by the end of our relationship. It seems Captain Von Trapp and I misunderstood each other. I assumed he was looking for a wife of taste and sophistication, who was a dead ringer for Tippi Hedren; instead he wanted to marry a curtain-wearing religious fanatic who shouts every word she says.

But I don’t want you to be angry at him. We are all adults here. “But Baroness,” so many of my friends have said, “you must be devastated. You yourself are fabulously wealthy, so you cannot have wanted the Captain for his money—you must have truly loved him.” It’s true. But so, I am sure, does his new fiancée, his children’s nanny. Her wardrobe is made of curtains. She’s definitely not a gold digger or anything.

I’m sorry. That was crude of me. She seems like a lovely person, and she and the children have a great deal in common.

A great, great, great deal.

Since I will no longer be a part of their lives, I do hope you will all keep an eye on the Captain’s children. I am not terribly maternal but I was very fond of them in my own way and I must admit I am worried what will become of them now that I have gone. I had planned to send them to boarding school, since their education at the moment seems to consist mostly of marching around Salzburg singing scales. I think it would have been particularly helpful for the eldest daughter, who seems intent on losing her virginity to the mailman.

Please, friends, don’t worry about me. While I was a bit startled to be thrown aside for someone who flunked out of nun school, I assure you that I will be fine, and my main pursuits in life shall continue to be martinis, bon mots, and looking fabulous. You’ll also be glad to know I have retained custody of the Captain’s hard-drinking gay friend, Max. Anyone who gets tired of sing-a-longs should feel free to look us up.

Again, my deepest apologies for this disruption to your plans. I am currently sorting through the wedding gifts we’ve already received and I will send them back as soon as possible. The Captain would help, but he is busy learning to play a song about cuckoo clocks on his guitar.

Sincerely,
Baroness Elsa Schraeder

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Sen. Ben Nelson (D) to retire

Two-term Sen. Ben Nelson (NE) has announced his retirement, spurring renewed fears that the Democrats will lose their Senate majority in 2012.

Nelson has consistently been one of the most conservative Democrats in the Senate, and during the very brief period in 2009 in which the caucus held 60 seats, his was usually the toughest vote to secure. Still, no one should think that he is interchangeable with the mainstream Republican who will likely replace him; Nelson, after all, did eventually vote for the Affordable Care Act, the stimulus bill and numerous other Democratic priorities. The Democrats’ hopes of holding the seat come down, at this point, to the vague possibility that former Nebraska senator and governor Bob Kerrey will attempt a comeback.

In 2012 Democrats will have 23 seats up for reelection. The GOP has only ten.
(via JMG)

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Michele Bachmann campaign embraces Democrat supporter

Tyler Jones, a Charleston-area Democratic strategist and co-founder of SC Forward Progress, pulled one over on a major GOP campaign today.

When Rep. Michele Bachmann’s campaign sent out a list of 89 supporters and volunteers across the state, Jones made the list.

Jones said he received an email from the campaign asking for his support, and he replied yes. His name was released to media today proclaiming him as a supporter, though Jones’ name is found on dozens of videos and websites that poke fun at Bachmann and other Republicans.

“I’m having some fun with it today, but if she can’t catch a little prank like this, it shows that she’s not who we need as president,” said Jones, whose organization has been poking fun at GOP candidates and their supporters for more than a year.

Later in the day, the Bachmann campaign admitted the mistake and removed Jones name from the list.

“Earlier today, Team Bachmann announced our South Carolina grassroots team and listed the name of Tyler Jones who had indicated he was supportive of Michele Bachmann and wanted to assist the campaign. Team Bachmann has since learned the information he submitted is false.”

Though Jones is an ardent Democrat, he said his support of Bachmann for the Republican nomination is genuine.

“I will help her get the nomination, because I think she’s the only candidate that will give Barack Obama a 50-state victory,” he said. “It just shows that while she says she’s organized in South Carolina, they are in chaos.”

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Newt Gingrich regarding first wife: “Not young or pretty enough to be First Lady”

Newt Gingrich, in trying to defuse one of his biggest political liabilities, has tried to say that he did NOT serve papers on his first wife while she was in the hospital receiving cancer treatment.

But new documents contradict that version of the story….

A confidant of the former House speaker told CNN that Gingrich said he dumped Jackie Battley — his one-time high school geometry teacher — in 1980 because she wasn’t “young enough or pretty enough” to be First Lady.

On his campaign website, he denies the much-retold story that he served his first wife divorce papers in the hospital where she had just had cancer surgery.

“It was (Jackie Battley) that requested the divorce, not Newt, and it was months before the hospital visit in question,” the campaign website says.

But newly revealed 30-year-old court papers posted on CNN’s website appear to contradict that.

In the papers, Battley asks the judge to reject her husband’s request for a divorce.

“Defendant shows that she has adequate and ample grounds for divorce, but that she does not desire one at this time,” her petition said.

“Defendant does not admit that this marriage is irretrievably broken.”

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Fifty-nine percent of Virginians support legal recognition for same-sex couples

A new Public Policy Polling poll shows that 59 percent of Virginians support legal recognition for same-sex couples in the form of civil unions.

A majority, though, is still opposed to full marriage equality, with 54 percent saying same-sex marriage should be illegal.